Mario Balotelli embroiled in stripper scuffle at poetry anthology launch

CONTROVERSY ADDLED Manchester City forward, Mario Balotelli, found himself at the centre of a stripper scuffle last night, during the launch of his first book, a collection of the striker’s poetry.

The Italian forward’s self-penned collection of poems, written in the ancient Canzone Italian standard, is regarded as one of the most significant

works of revivalist lyric verse this century, and looks set to win this year’s T S Eliot poetry prize.

Balotelli had chosen to celebrate the launch of his book with a lavish “stripper-themed” party at his next door neighbours house in the upmarket suburb of Hale in Cheshire.

Jobless to be given work as sacking executives under new government plans

Secretary of State for Work and Pension, Iain Duncan Smith, today unveiled a new government initiative to combat rising unemployment.

Anyone out of work for more than a month will be legally obliged to become a sacking executive, the operatives of a new government agency, which large corporations can employ in order to save costs when sacking large quantities of their staff.

“We’re trying to make the UK as business friendly as possible,” said IDS.

“Sacking people is very expensive. Sure, you can do it by text message these days, but 10,000 texts messages really add up.”

Student reconsidering relationship after family dinner fiasco

BUTTERY Jenny Trover, a fresher at Manchester University is said to be “reconsidering” her relationship with first semester boyfriend Roger Thomas after he offered to make her family dinner only to serve up a lacklustre spaghetti bolognese.

Trover was said to be mortally embarrassed after Thomas, who had been staying with her family for a long weekend, during the university

Christmas holiday, offered to cook dinner as a surprise thank you for his stay, only to serve up a watery bolognese and small stick of burnt garlic bread.

“He looked so pleased with himself,” said Claire Trover, Jenny’s mum, chair of Horsham council. “He even brought the grater and parmasen to the table. I thought Trevor was going to throw him out then and there.”

Staff to be protected by new malodorous lunch discrimination legislation

FANS of last night’s fajita leftovers, “a noontime donner,” pepperamis and cheese and onion crisps needn’t suffer workplace derision any longer, after the government revealed new legislation to protect fans of smelly lunches from discrimination.

A study by the The Workplace Standards Trusts, a rightwing think thank, discovered that gender, race, age and social class were no longer the

main drivers behind workplace discrimination, finding that those employees who ate smelly lunches were far more actively discriminated against.

“Fans of scotch eggs and sardine sandwiches are commonly overlooked for promotions and subject to manifestly aggressive behaviour from colleagues,” the study concluded.

Caroline Flack revealed as 48-year-old predatory homosexual, public less appalled

OILY Caroline Flack, the co-host of ITV2′s The Xtra Factor, has been exposed as a 48-year-old predatory homosexual called Frank Billingham from Stockon-on-Tees.

In an apparently desperate attempt to justify her relationship with dead-eyed, 17-year-old, One Direction singer, Harry Styles, Flack has revealled that she isn’t a 32-year-old female TV presenter, but an ageing gay cabaret performer

with a history of showering young men with gifts before aggressively guilting them into sexual intercourse.

Flack, who received death threats from One Direction fans after her relationship with Styles was exposed, had come under fire from all quarters for dating a man 15 years her junior.

Liveblog: PMQs

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Palin Holds Fetus Hostage

Former Republican Vice Presidential candidate, Gov. Sarah Palin, held an abortion operating room at gunpoint donning moose ears and sporting an Oscar de la Renta swing jacket with a large sequined brooch that simply stated, ‘Abortion is Murder’.

It was a very intense moment. She was spitting and carrying a papier-mâché heart with decoupage faces of her children on it”: said frazzled clinical nurse, Mary Lucas.

Nadine Dorries’ proposed law for sex to become class B drug gets second reading

Nadine Dorries’ has proposed a law that would make sex a class B drug. It would also forbade any spoken or written reference to the male human testicles and require the word vagina to be replaced with “golden flower” in school text books.

The 10 minute rule bill passed its first reading with a 3 ayes to sneeze which was interpreted by the speaker as no, and will be subject to a second reading in January.

Dorries, a former orgy judge and HB pencil, claimed that she was mounting her campaign after sex ruined her husband’s life.